I doubt any one looks here still. We pay for this url and the hosting…for no reason nowadays.
Let me just say…we’re still keeping it funky.
Complex as usual. Our lives have come to some interesting twists and turns.
We do what we can…for ellie. That’s the bottom line. Ill sacrifice everything…my entire being…if it meant ellie’s happiness. That’s all there is to it. Some guys will never know what its like to have to sacrifice everything that you are…for someone else.
Some guys can pretend to be somebody…for someone…but will never feel the pain. Until you can sacrifice yourself…you will never know. True happiness is when you give up yourself so someone else can be happy.
When did you do that last? When did you ever put someone else before yourself? Did you ever have to give up everything you had…everything you loved and held close…just so the person you loved could be happy?
I doubt it. Not like I have.
I have been reduced down to nothing…yet I still stand. I stand here despite my failures, shortcomings, sacrifices, obstacles and times of fortune. I stand here with the responsibilities and life that has been given to me…by my own choices. None of which I regret.
The life I’ve led. The mistakes I’ve made. The triumphs I’ve experienced and the hurt I’ve caused and pain I’ve had myself…I don’t regret any of it.
Its made me who I am.
meh!
lol.
still outta work. lauren got a raise though. hi5 wife!
i have many opportunities to write recently. when my ass gets unlazified and actually produce some work…ill post links. for now…you’ll have to wait. i do apologize for this spontaneous hiatus though. you can find all the daily on goings on our facebook pages. oh joy. i do have a commitment to this blog though. so…when marky has time…i will be posting videos and pics like a madman. i have some cool videos!
ellie is talking up a storm…climbing, running and going crazy on us. haha.
i think i had a post here last year sometime…saying that ellie’s middle name needs to be “danger” well..it still holds true today. shes freakin gunna give me a heart attack one of these days. i hate to jinx myself…lol…but man…sometimes i can feel my blood pressure rise with that child! lol.
dont get me started on this new thing shes been doing. lately…shes discovered…fear. now i know shes been afraid of stuff before when she was smaller. nowadays though, she’ll get frightened over random stuff…that she enjoyed before. i know i can look up a babycenter.com article on this…and i may have read it. its a bit daunting, frustrating, interesting and funky…when she gets in her little scare fits. i try to console her the best i can. she covers her eyes and stuff. its cute…but sometimes its so random that it’s hard to understand.
oh wells. shes growing like wildfire. mentally, emotionally, and physically. its great seeing her understand new things and seeing her speak more effectively. its been tough lately though…shes still learning to speak, convey ideas, wants and needs. theres not much more…figuring it out for yourself..and hopefully she’ll be cool with it. now…she tells you what shes feeling, thinking, wanting or needing. the problem with it though…is her vocab (although very large for her age) is still not where she can FULLY convey her thoughts without some miscommunication. the tough part comes in when…we’re not getting what she’s saying. lol. then she gets pissed. like “wtf daddy…why dont u know what i want right now??” and im like…pulling my hair out (i have little hair to begin with)…trying to figure out what shes wanting. blah.
anywho. it’ll all be figured out.
so. the summer is over…isnt it? haha its hard to tell down here in fl. its just..hot. all the time. i figure fl is like the Philippines, they have two seasons…wet and dry. right now in fl…its wet. we get sun showers daily. the showers are the earths way of telling fl that its effing hot as balls out and the planet needs to cool off.
october may shape up to be great. i have a job interview in a week with a decent global media logistics company. they offer amazing benefits..and decent pay (for fl). so we’ll see. wish me luck.
im looking forward more and more to school by the way. many of my friends that have gone and stopped school…are now returning (or have returned) as well. i think i need to be on that wave. im already on the psychedelia wave. connecting to important people…connecting with ppl that will help make a difference. i think with a stupid degree…what i have to say will have more weight. unfortunately…you’re barely listened to…with radical ideas…without something to back up your credibility. isnt personal experience credible anymore? oh…college degree is a requirement for credibility…even though the human race was made by men and woman sharing life experience…not sitting in a classroom.
i plan on New College of Fl to finish up my bachelors.
i plan on the Institute of Transpersonal Psych, Pacifica or CIIS for grad school.
see. i have a plan. just trying to get things in order to complete it all…is the challenge. lol…im pretty sure when in school…ill be kicking ass.
thats all for now. 650+ words. woot.
happy early halloween.
ill most likely post before halloween…for ellie’s bday. yay 10/20!! she’ll be 2!!! big girl! w0ots!
_ mark
ps: occupy wall street!!!
So. I started my job…and now I guess it didn’t work out. Florida is a employ at will state. So that means…u can fired without notice for any old reason. Apparently I hadn’t sacrificed enough to my responsibilities to my family. Ellie was sick from daycare within the first week or so of me grabbing the job. Moreover, we were in the process of moving and (at work) lauren’ head got smashed by a huge sheet of glass. All within…2-3 weeks. So…I had to take time off on a few occasions….and leave early a couple times. So sorry that everything happens at once and new job can’t handle it. I promised them that all this happening is a freak occurrance. But oh well. Now shit is a bit tight.
I call for unemployment tomorrow. If I’m still eligible…we’ll be cool. If not…well…fuckin a man.
I always quote a line from shakespeare. “When sorrows come, they come not in single spies, but in battalions”
Its true. Especially for us. We experience high levels of novelty all at once…we have lulls…then more intensity. With all the stresses that lauren and I are under…(lauren has a whole whole lot of work related stress)…we have few beacons of light/hope. We have some amazing friends down here. They’re young and in the struggle with us…so they don’t help financially (id never expect that either)…but its nice to have friends that can relate, ones that u can go to for emotional support, and just good ppl that are there for u.
As far as family…we love our families. To no end really. Its hard for us however to keep in touch…especially when we’re under such stress. Its like…yeh I want to call my mom…unload all my shit on her…but well…she has her own issues, and she’d have a hard time providing the support that id need. How much help can “its ok…u can find a job…ill pray for u” do? So family…if we seem at all standoffish…its not bc our love has unwavered…its bc we’re dealing with a lot of stress…stress of a young couple trying to make it in a difficult world. I think the best kids can ask for from their ‘rents as adults is to be understanding. We’ve (kids have) given parents grief forever…I see it with ellie…its like…”wow…I know what my mom meant”
But u know…parents put a lot of pressure on their kids too. Most of the time, unknowingly. The pressure is so thick, heavy, and constant…because we care so much about their opinions.
I’m done right now. Thnx good day.
So. I found a job.
Thanks for all ur prayers…but to be honest…they liked me, my skills, what I had to say and…I liked them. We got along real well in the interview…and I was interviewed by 4 ppl. It was intense…but I connected with all of them on a personal level. Can I take credit for the job well done? Is that ok? Lol. Sorry ma…I know u praying for me is ur way to express ur love for me…but pray for those in more need for prayer. Innocent ppl dying and such. I doubt…even if god was omniscient/omnipotent, that he’d care about my job situation. I guess it’d be cool to think so…but then it makes u wonder…where was god when innocent ppl die, do ppl not pray for no war? Do ppl pray for violence…imean…its kinda prevalent isn’t it? Ppl of the world…pray to whomever u like praying to…focus ur energy on peace, love, unity, respect. Not my ass, that is perfectly capable of finding a job when the time is right. I planned to be employed…when I wanted to be employed.
U know that “feeling you get” that I mentioned in my last post? Yeh I had that feeling when I walked in the door. I’m not trying to be conceited…but its nice to feel good abt urself.
I was reading thru my xanga (old blog) and saw how depressed I was at that time. I was so self pitying…but id have random manic spurts. See at the time…not too many ppl knew that I kinda quit school at that point as well…so I was hiding it…and was extremely depressed.
I wasn’t doing anything for myself. I was pleasing others.
So I lost focus and stopped caring.
I was a user of people as well. Subtle about it tho.
I did love the ppl that where there for me and that cared to listen. I’m trying to reconnect with the ones that I’ve lost touch with.
Anywho. Wow rant.
In 3 days we’re moving. In our usual fashion, we wait last minute to pack. Lol. I’m not worried tho. It’ll be fine.
laurens doing well at work. =)
Ellie started day care…she’s doing well!
So april is a busy month. Lots of changes for good.
Meeting amazing ppl too. Had to throw that in there. =D
So yeh new job, new place, new relationships.
Good times…insane times too
So…we’ve been bad bloggers.
Sorry for the delay. U know how life is.
I’m pretty much only blogging rite now bc I can’t fall asleep. Just heard some disturbing news…and its keeping lauren and I up.
Without blowing anyones spot up…a convo could have been had before u go fuck everything up. Deception is pretty painful if not one of the most painful things.
Anywho!
Lauren and I have been doing pretty ok! Besides the usual stresses ie: bills and red tape, stuff has been exciting. Lauren got a job at Cat Depot. Lol. The name sounds cheesy but for real…this place is a damn state of the art no kill cat shelter. The hours are more reasonable, and the pay is on point, and the workload is more bearable than her previous job. At least here…her work is appreciated and her skills are properly utilized.
We’re moving up to sarasota. It’ll be nice to be closer to the action. Where we live now is old pplville. Not that old ppl aren’t cool or anything…heh…but the concentration of old ppl mixed in with the youngins that have their sense of entitlement that kills. Hell…ellie and I almost got ran over the other day bc some frekkin old dude wasn’t lookin where he was going. He didn’t notice our overly humungous stroller, ellies balloons flying all around or the large brown man at the corner. In sarasota we’ll be driving a shit ton less. A def plus! Hi5 for saving monies and less on the road stress.
I’m still on the job hunt. Something will bite. I know it. This is the thing…when ur abt to get a job…u can feel it. I haven’t had that feeling yet. Its okay no worries. I’m not worried. For now at least. I have faith in my abilities.
Ellie is growing by leaps and bounds man! Ill post some recent pics and vids tomorrow! She seems pretty on track if not a little ahead of stuff developmentally according to docs and baby sites. We don’t really consciously keep track of it tho. Like we’ll notice her doing something new…and then we’ll get an email from babycenter and we’ll just say “oh wow! Ellies beeeen doing that!” Lol. *shrugs
Needless to say I’m proud of the little one. She’s proud of herself too! When she does something and she’s proud, she says “I did it!” Not super clearly tho…come on she’s 17months old…but u can totally make out what she’s saying tho!
Stuff to mention: greater vocab, climbing stairs, imaginary play (she’s been doing this for a while…but the convos she’s making with her dolls and stuffed animals are like more involved…oh and I love how she makes her T-Rex toy kiss her stegasaurus….lol), singing (she totally sings and acts out “twinkle twinkle little star”) and dancing.
Meh not much else to mention at this moment…time to hit the hay! Nite nite
